


Cycles

by thatSlytheringirl



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gaslighting, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Physical Abuse, Substance Abuse, dubcon, noncon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:01:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23150623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatSlytheringirl/pseuds/thatSlytheringirl
Summary: In which Chanyeol and Baekhyun discover all about the cycles of life and the endings that come with them.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. [Cycle 1- Chanyeol]

**Author's Note:**

> I know the tags are scary, but I promise it has a happy ending. Goes without saying, though, that if those intimidate you or could trigger you, don't read this story

Baekhyun and Chanyeol have been friends since their diaper days and have done everything together. They defended each other from bullies and anyone else who even  _ thought _ of hurting the other. With time, this friendship turned to more in Chanyeol's eyes, while for Baekhyun, it remained the same. And sure, it hurt, but it was okay. After all, Chanyeol understood that Baekhyun didn't make him fall in love, he always made his feelings clear. Baekhyun didn't  _ have _ to feel the same way.

They continued to grow and to share experiences, both feeling free to confide in the other at all moments.

It was beautiful.

Then college happened and, as best friends, they decided to rent an apartment together. They found a third roommate, Jisoo, a bubbly Junior who eventually became like their sister. Everyday became a routine with them going to school and working whenever they had to, and on weekends, all three spent it together watching movies and eating yummy food.

Time passed by, though, and as it did, Baekhyun stopped spending as much time home as before and whenever he was around, he would always be texting, with a soft glow of infatuation in his eyes. And yes, of course it hurt, but at the same time, seeing Baekhyun so happy and glowing made Chanyeol feel happy for him. That was all he wanted for Baekhyun, after all, for him to find happiness.

Of course, when Baekhyun broke the news that he was dating someone (name of the boyfriend not important), Chanyeol acted surprised and genuinely wished him all the best. Jisoo wasn't as enthusiastic since she knew of Chanyeol's feelings, but once alone, he made sure to reassure her that he was okay.

"As long as he's happy."

When Baekhyun introduced his boyfriend to Chanyeol, the giant immediately felt a weird vibe from the guy and his arrogance couldn't be ignored. Still, Chanyeol let it go. Perhaps it was the part of him that undoubtedly felt jealous.

But as the relationship progressed, Chanyeol started to feel more and more uneasy. The guy held no respect for him or Jisoo whatsoever and would touch Baekhyun rather inappropriately in front of them whenever he visited. Chanyeol would try (and fail) to ignore them, but Jisoo wasn't so kind and would frequently fight with Baekhyun  _ and _ his boyfriend about this.

Chanyeol would always try to mediate, but it was impossible with how uncharacteristically explosive Baekhyun had suddenly become and how fiercely he would protect his boyfriend.

The relationship between Jisoo and Baekhyun soured and as it did, Baekhyun cared less about their comfort and would often bring his boyfriend on purpose and would very loudly get fucked by him while Jisoo and Chanyeol were in the apartment. Of course, this took a huge toll on the giant and Jisoo herself, who couldn't believe who Baekhyun had turned into because of some asshole.

"Jisoo, please don't leave," begged Chanyeol as he watched her pack her stuff. 

"No Chanyeol, I can't stand them anymore," she said as she zipped her bag and placed the strap over her shoulder. "I'm not going to stand being disrespected like this, and neither should  _ you _ ."

She approached him and cupped his cheeks. "Think about yourself, Chanyeol. Be selfish if you must. You deserve better than this."

Chanyeol knew she was right, but he was an idiot in love, an idiot who was still holding on to the image he had of his sweet, caring best friend. And he held hope that deep in his heart, Baekhyun was still the same.

When Baekhyun found out that Jisoo left, he seemed taken aback and, dare Chanyeol hope, a little hurt. The emotion were fleeting though, and Chanyeol felt disappointed once Baekhyun shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't care.

Time passed and Baekhyun's relationship with his boyfriend became more reckless, and yes, the loud sex didn't stop either, much to Chanyeol's heartache.

As such, he spent less time at home and more at school and work. Eventually, he made more friends, like Kyungsoo and Jongin, and instead spent his time third-wheeling their dates occasionally. He would always apologize, of course, though the two men would always reassure him that it was okay.

His friendship with Baekhyun started to wither, much like a dying flower, and though it hurt, Chanyeol had to protect his heart too. He did notice, though, how Baekhyun started to spend more time at home, though, his demeanor sad.

Chanyeol grew worried of course, but he didn't want to be intrusive. Besides, things were awkward between them. So instead, Chanyeol opted to prepare Baekhyun's favorite dishes, though he never ate with him. He wasn't sure if Baekhyun would want that.

Eventually, Baekhyun cornered him and begged him to talk to him.

"I just want my best friend back," he said, his voice broken and tears in his eyes.

Of course, Chanyeol gave in immediately, hugging Baekhyun's trembling body and apologizing for acting that way.

Later that afternoon, Baekhyun opened up and told Chanyeol of how he found out that his boyfriend had been cheating throughout their entire relationship with different people.

Of course, Chanyeol asked if they'd broken up, but Baekhyun said no. Chanyeol was confused and asked why. Baekhyun replied because he loves him and maybe he could change. Of course, Chanyeol spoke up, unwilling to see his best friend destroy himself like that.

Baekhyun didn't listen and instead got extremely upset. They had a nasty fight, Baekhyun saying words he didn't mean while Chanyeol tried to stop him. By the end of it, Baekhyun left the apartment, claiming he was going to fix everything with his boyfriend while Chanyeol could only watch.

He expected for things go back to how they were, with Baekhyun not talking to him and, perhaps more sex noises. He wasn't wrong, since Baekhyun  _ did _ have sex with someone that night, and it was louder than ever. The next morning, though, as Chanyeol went to the kitchen to make some coffee, he saw a man he'd never seen before slip out of Baekhyun's bedroom.

Chanyeol was frozen in his spot as the man passed him by and nodded his head as a greeting before he left the apartment.

When Baekhyun walked out of the bedroom, hair disheveled and the reek of alcohol and sex still clinging onto his skin, Chanyeol confronted him and all Baekhyun said was that his boyfriend broke up with him. Chanyeol wanted to know more, he needed further explanation of what was going on, but Baekhyun didn't relent and ignored him.

They were well into their second year by this point, and Chanyeol felt frustrated as he saw his best friend destroy himself by sleeping around and drinking himself into stupor.

He was unsure of what to do and soon grew frustrated. 

Kyungsoo didn't allow him to get stuck, though, and reminded Chanyeol that yes, being there for Baekhyun and reminding him he was there was good, but that he also couldn't forget himself.

As such, Chanyeol continued to live his life.

It was around that time that Baekhyun started to sleep with a guy named Sehun. From the moment Chanyeol saw him one morning after what sounded like a rather intense sex session, Chanyeol knew he was bad news. The dude was chill, sure, but the habit he had of cleaning his nose constantly with his hand was enough of a clue for Chanyeol. He didn't say anything, though, not even when Baekhyun stepped inside the kitchen using only a shirt that was too big on him.

Since Baekhyun still refused to speak to him unless it was strictly necessary, Chanyeol figured it would be best to take a step back. What he didn't expect was for Sehun to grab Baekhyun's ass right in front of him, or for him to place Baekhyun on the counter... Or for them to start making out and dry humping in front of him.

Upset, he left the apartment and wished the dude never returned.

Sadly, that never happened, and before he knew it, Sehun moved into the vacant room that had once belonged to Jisoo. Chanyeol broke his promise of giving Baekhyun space as soon as that happened and a horrid fight broke out.

"You have to ask me this stuff, Baekhyun! You're not the only one that lives here! I have a say on what happens too!”

Of course, Baekhyun disregarded this, as did Sehun, who looked at the giant nonchalantly and shrugged.

"You should leave, Chanyeol," said Kyungsoo as he served him a cup of tea in the apartment he shared with Jongin. "He doesn't care. You deserve better."

Chanyeol, idiot that he was, had no self-respect and kept going back like the moron he was.

Time flew by and by the time the third year of college came around, Chanyeol felt tired. He barely spoke to Baekhyun and whenever he did, Baekhyun would be cold and would disregard him.

Of course Sehun stayed, and with that, nothing but disaster fell upon him. He was tired of the constant smell of smoke in the apartment from cigarettes and weed, or the little empty and full plastic bags he would find lying around, or the alcohol bottles, or condom packets and used condoms everywhere, or the questionable fluids he would often find himself cleaning because he couldn't stand to live like that.

"Leave!" Exclaimed Jisoo during one of their coffee dates and Chanyeol sighed.

"I can't leave him. I know he's hurting deep inside. I-I can't leave him all alone like that."

"I understand that, but Chanyeol, you're destroying yourself along with him. However he feels doesn't justify what's happening to you. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped."

Her words stuck in his mind the upcoming days. He knew she was right, of course. Everyone was. He was being stupid holding on to something that was long gone. He couldn't let go, though, not when Baekhyun was the most important person in his life.

Life had mysterious ways of working, though, and when you least expect it, opportunities arise and the option for a new beginning arrives.

It was around October on his third year that, due to his impeccable grades, one of his professors had gotten in contact with a colleague working at one of the most prestigious universities in Europe and had arranged for Chanyeol to opt for a vacancy on an exchange program in Germany. This caught Chanyeol off-guard since he never really considered the option of leaving. This offer, though, was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Everything would be paid for him except the plane ticket, and he would receive a considerable amount of money every month so he could spend as he pleased.

Everyone told he  _ had _ to accept it. This was a great opportunity, of course, but the thought of leaving Baekhyun behind made him uneasy.

One late afternoon, everything changed, though, as Chanyeol walked into the house only to find Sehun and Baekhyun in a rather compromising position with a guy he'd never seen before.

Chanyeol was tired, honestly. Exhausted. He'd had a long day at school and then a hectic shift at work. That added up to the constant reminder of what had become of his best friend and of what he himself had allowed for his apartment to turn into made him snap.

Immediately, he demanded for the guy to leave. He spared no feelings, exclaiming his anger as he threw the clothes he found on the floor at the trio. Baekhyun was the first to react and after getting dressed haphazardly, he limped towards Chanyeol with all the anger he could muster and started a fight.

The third dude left Immediately while Sehun tried to mediate, but Chanyeol would have none of that.

"I can't believe this is what you've chosen to do with your life, Baekhyun! How dare you throw everything away for  _ this _ ?! How fucking dare you disregard yourself to this point?!"

"It's none of your business!"

"It  _ is _ my business because I live here too, you know?! And I'm tired of this shit! I'm tired of having to clean up your mess, I'm tired of the years I've spent listening to you fucking any dude that crosses your path and I'm tired of living under the same roof as a motherfucking, low-life, good for nothing drug addict that has no regard for anyone and everything!"

"Oh so the problem is the people I fuck? "Asked Baekhyun with a cold, menacing smile, and Chanyeol knew whatever slipped past his lips after that would be brutal.

"You're just jealous I never considered fucking  _ you _ ."

Those words left Chanyeol speechless.

"You think I never noticed how you felt about me," he said as a cold laugh escaped past his lips. "Silly, Chanyeol, I've always known. I simply never... Cared."

That broke Chanyeol's heart, of course. He never expected that.

Without saying a single word, he met Sehun’s sympathetic gaze briefly before he silently turned around and left the apartment.

He spent his night at Kyungsoo’s and Jongin's apartment, crying his heart out at the heartbreak he was experiencing. It was like Baekhyun had grabbed his heart with his hands and squeezed until nothing was left of it.

He was devastated and as he poured out everything to his friends, he finally realized it had all been futile. From the very beginning, when Baekhyun got his boyfriend, what they once had had an expiration date. Chanyeol hadn't wanted to see it, of course, always hopeful that Baekhyun would get out of the black hole he'd fallen into.

How foolish of him, how stupid. He should've let go long before, he should've been selfish like Jisoo told him when it started. He should've been smarter, but he'd allowed his feelings to take control.

Lesson learned, though, and after a sleepless night, he told Kyungsoo and Jongin he would take part of the exchange program.

He gave himself a few days, per Jongin's suggestion, and stayed at their apartment. He gave himself time to think and yes, while the thought of leaving hurt, he knew it was time to put himself first.

"You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped," he recalled Jisoo's words clearly.

Repeating them in his mind, he went back to his apartment with Jongin and Kyungsoo in tow. As soon as he opened the door, he found the place as always, filthy, and Baekhyun sitting on the couch, looking lost.

"Chanyeol, you came back," he said.

Chanyeol merely nodded. "Yeah, I came back to pick up my stuff."

"You're moving out?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

Chanyeol didn't say anything else as he headed over to his bedroom with Jongin and Kyungsoo. They helped him place his clothes in his different backpacks and any objects in the boxes they got before going to the apartment.

Once ready, they made several trips to leave everything inside the car Chanyeol's brother-in-law leant him. When everything was safely out of the apartment, Chanyeol turned his attention to Baekhyun, who hadn't moved from the couch.

"You and Sehun will have to sort out if you want a new roommate or not."

Baekhyun simply nodded, his gaze stuck to the ground.

"Goodbye Baekhyun."

Without saying another word, Chanyeol left the apartment without looking back.

Yes, it hurt, but he knew deep in his heart that it was for the best.

It was time for him to live freely, to make his own path and to heal the scars in his heart.

'I hope you can heal someday too, Baekhyun.'


	2. [Cycle 2- Baekhyun]

Baekhyun had always adored his best friend and even harbored a small crush back in their high school days. Chanyeol was amazing, sweet, kind, and smart, but the smaller always knew it wouldn't work out, so he gave up on the idea and forgot all about those feelings. 

He wasn't one to date much, and neither was Chanyeol, though they'd gone out with people here and there in high school. Still, Baekhyun never considered himself experienced in that department, nor was he interested in any of that either, anyway.

By the time they reached college, Baekhyun had completely disregarded the thought of dating, or at least figured his priority had to be school above everything else.

This all changed, though, the day a sophomore started to talk to him occasionally. They'd met at a coffee shop after Baekhyun accidently spilled his coffee on him and since then, the guy had approached him any chance he could. He wasn't the most attractive man out there, but that didn't matter much to Baekhyun, who found his personality appealing and even, dare he say, sexy.

With time, their occasional greetings between classes turned into avid texting, which eventually evolved into study dates and later on, to real dates. 

The guy was charming, that was undeniable, and funny, and a flirt. It was easy for him to slip into Baekhyun's heart without him noticing. It didn't take long for him to become Baekhyun's boyfriend and from the start, Baekhyun thought the man to be the perfect match for him.

The change, though, was subtle. So subtle, in fact, that Baekhyun didn't notice how he started to spend less time with Chanyeol and Jisoo and more with his boyfriend, or how his boyfriend's attitude shifted.

His boyfriend was hiding stuff from him, Baekhyun knew that, he could sense it, yet every time he asked, his boyfriend would deny it. "You're going crazy," he would often say 'jokingly', though something in his eyes and body language told Baekhyun that he meant it.

Still, Baekhyun told himself that if his boyfriend said it then he had to be right.

With this, came a shift in his dynamics, with his boyfriend visiting the apartment Baekhyun shared with Chanyeol and Jisoo more often. Each time, his boyfriend would get very touchy and possessive, which would oftentimes make him feel uncomfortable.

Since Baekhyun believed in the special connection he shared with his boyfriend, he mentioned it to him one afternoon, telling him exactly how he felt about displays of that sort. His boyfriend, though, took it the wrong way.

"Are you ashamed of me?" he asked, looking genuinely upset at Baekhyun's words.

Immediately, Baekhyun felt guilty about this, but his boyfriend would have none of it.

This wasn't the last time it happened, and since Baekhyun had never really had a  _ real _ relationship, he figured these things had to be normal.

This kept occurring and he would often have fights with Jisoo over this, since the girl was adamant that it was disrespectful for the couple to do stuff like that when she and Chanyeol were at the apartment. And while something in Baekhyun told him she was right and despite the discomfort he felt whenever his boyfriend got too touchy in front of them, he felt compelled to defend him, to prove to him that he was proud of being his boyfriend.

With time, the situation got messier and he found himself heading more frequently to his boyfriend's apartment. As it was, they were taking their time with taking the next step, though Baekhyun noticed his boyfriend's distance after Baekhyun explained he wasn't quite ready for sex just yet.

"I've never done it and I don't know if I should do it just yet. I'm just getting used to dating."

His boyfriend hadn't said anything after that, though it was obvious that he didn't like it either, and Baekhyun felt guilty.

Their fights got worse too, though he never said anything to his friends because he felt his boyfriend was right, he was too dramatic, and he didn't want to burden his friends with that.

"If you love me so much," said the man one afternoon while they were fighting over a story Baekhyun was telling his boyfriend about Chanyeol. "Prove it to me. If you're as devoted to me as you say you are, show it to me."

Baekhyun knew what he meant and while he was wary of taking that step, he still didn't stop his boyfriend from undressing him, from kissing him and touching his body. In his mind, he told himself it was wrong, that he didn't want it, that he was not ready, but a part of him debunked those words. He felt insecure of what would happen if he were to open his mouth, of the thought of losing him if he didn't do this, so he remained silent and faked feeling good, cuz it hurt throughout, but since he'd never done it, he figured it was always like that.

This soon turned into a routine, the man guilt tripping Baekhyun into it while Baekhyun silently accepted, regardless of how he felt over the matter.

Eventually, they didn't only do it in the man's apartment, but also at Baekhyun's. In fact, it was always so loud because, as the man once told Baekhyun, if he wasn't making noise it was because he didn't love him. And while Baekhyun felt like that didn't make sense, the man was convincing enough to make Baekhyun question himself.

Of course, this made the fights with Jisoo and Chanyeol worse, which in turn made Baekhyun and his boyfriend argue more often.

These fights would frequently get... Physical, until the man forced Baekhyun into doing things he didn't want to only to turn it around and make Baekhyun believe he'd asked for it. And while Baekhyun never recalled telling him as much, the man was so convincing that Baekhyun figured it had to be true.

Things only got worse from there, as Baekhyun started to isolate himself from his friends and would constantly fight with them over everything that was going on. And sure, he felt that they were right to be mad, but the love Baekhyun believed the man to feel for him made him lash out at them because no, he couldn't allow for them to offend him.

This soon turned to distrust as his boyfriend kept claiming that his friends hated him for no reason. In his mind, Chanyeol and Jisoo had ulterior motives for trying to make Baekhyun believe stuff that wasn't there. And of course, while to Baekhyun this didn't make sense, he couldn't find a way to prove to himself his boyfriend was wrong.

What Baekhyun didn't expect was for Chanyeol to tell him that Jisoo had moved out. This, of course, hurt Baekhyun deeply, though he didn't show it. He felt  _ guilty _ for feeling sad over her leaving after all the bad things he'd done to his boyfriend, things he had no recollection of, but that his boyfriend was adamant had happened.

As time flew by, the man's sarcastic comments became worse and more serious as he pointed out all the defects he could find in Baekhyun.

"You need to lose weight." "You're too dumb for the career you chose. You should change it." "You're going out with that? It makes you look like a slut." And with time, Baekhyun believed this too.

He got to a point where he wondered why he felt so suffocated. He had a man he loved dearly, what else could he ask for? Yet... He felt like something was missing, like the flame that once shone brightly in his heart had slowly started to die.

To keep those feelings at bay, he started to become more clingy with his boyfriend, oftentimes looking for his body as a way to fill the void that had taken over his heart. It didn't work, though, and the more time passed, and the more he doubted his memories, his worth, and everything around him, the more dead he felt inside.

It was when he felt like he'd hit rock bottom, feeling guilty for being so ungrateful, that he found his boyfriend... Fucking someone else.

This was devastating for him, of course, and the words the man said right after, humiliating him until he completely destroyed his heart.

For the following weeks, Baekhyun spent his time at home feeling lost and hurt. It didn't help that Chanyeol didn't even talk to him, always hiding in his room whenever Baekhyun was around.

That hurt too, and Baekhyun felt lonely and abandoned.

If that wasn't bad enough, Baekhyun continued sending texts to his boyfriend, begging for a clearer explanation than the one he got. What happened? What was so wrong with him that his boyfriend would look for someone else? He could always improve! He could try to be more passionate and active, or even more submissive if that was what he wished for. Baekhyun was even willing to try any kinks even if he didn't enjoy them! Anything for his boyfriend.

This, sadly, never worked, and soon pushed him to feel so hurt he would spend his nights crying in his bedroom, alone and cold in an empty bed.

At one point, he decided he had enough and took the first step at talking to Chanyeol. As always, Chanyeol immediately comforted him and held him in his arms with that warmth that Baekhyun loved so much.

It didn't last, though, because as soon as Baekhyun told Chanyeol about wanting to get his boyfriend back, his 'friend' got extremely upset. Baekhyun was angry at this, though a small part knew he was right. Before he could think better about it, he left the apartment, determined to see his boyfriend in person and sort things out. They loved each other after all, right? They could get through this and any other obstacle that got in their way.

That, sadly, wasn't the case, as Baekhyun found his boyfriend with someone else again, someone different from last time.

And it hurt, of course, but it didn't matter. No, because Baekhyun  _ needed _ him in his life, needed his love, and as such, he  _ begged _ , got down on his knees and pleaded the man to take him back.

"I can be better for you! I can be anything you want me to be!" He exclaimed through his tears.

This, though, only made the man mock him and, with satisfaction in his eyes, he reminded Baekhyun of what little worth he had, of how insignificant he was, how useless, how  _ pathetic _ . He threw the perfect words at him, the most hurtful ones.

By the time he was done and Baekhyun was idly walking down the street, he felt completely destroyed inside.

He wasn't aware of his surroundings or of where he was going. All he knew was that he needed something,  _ anything _ to distract him from the pain he was feeling and to keep him from facing Chanyeol. He was too ashamed for that.

He found himself in a club, drinking shot after shot of alcohol like it was water and grinding against different bodies, the faces blurry and the actions even more so.

He didn't know how or why he ended at his own apartment, but he did, and for once, he didn't even think about how uncomfortable Chanyeol would feel over how loud he was being. All that mattered in that moment was for his pain to be numbed.

Sadly, the following morning, when he woke up to an empty bed and a sore ass, he felt worse than before.

He refused to answer Chanyeol's questions, too, and instead found himself falling into a toxic lifestyle of alcohol and sex with strangers every other night, their faces unknown and their names forgotten. All Baekhyun  _ needed _ was to feel complete again, to feel worthy, but none of it worked. If anything, it only made him feel worse, but he couldn't find a way out of the hole he fell in either.

He forgot about Chanyeol, too, completely disregarding him the more time passed, too trapped in his own mind to notice how much he was hurting him. 

Time passed and he met Sehun on one of his outings. A Freshman from the same university he was attending, Sehun was tall and handsome, very different from his ex in every shape and form, and as such, he was perfect.

They were never meant to be serious, and it remained like that, even after Sehun moved into his apartment after telling him he was looking for a new place.

Chanyeol completely opposed the idea, though Baekhyun didn't accept his arguments. He'd stopped being able to discern between what was coherent and what was not, and as such, couldn't find it in himself to comprehend what Chanyeol was trying to tell him.

It was so bad that Baekhyun stopped noticing his surroundings, feeling like he was lost in an eternal state of fog, his mind clouded and his surroundings like a mere figment of his imagination. Time slowed down as he felt more and more empty, the sex and the alcohol doing nothing to fix him.

He started to try what Sehun offered him, though Baekhyun wasn't particularly fond of some of the stuff,while some he did enjoy and used on occasion, especially during sex to make the high more satisfying. Perhaps like that he could get himself back to a better state. It never happened, though, and he only became more desperate.

He spent many nights feeling the need to cry, though it never worked. The tears weren't there no matter how much he tried.

If anyone were to ask who Byun Baekhyun was, he wouldn't be able to reply, there was no answer. He couldn't remember who he was before his ex. He'd given all of himself away, hoping to be loved equally, only to be disregarded in the end, thrown away like he was worth nothing.

Most days he felt like that was the case.

Life took a turn, though, one particular afternoon in November. He was at his apartment, having a day off of work and studying for an exam (or trying, though no information stuck no matter how much he tried) when he heard a knock at the door.

He expected many things, like maybe one of Sehun’s friends making a delivery for the man and, if they were acceptable enough, maybe get a booty call in Baekhyun's bed.

He didn't expect to find Kyungsoo, Chanyeol's friend, though.

"Come in," he said as he motioned for Kyungsoo to come in.

The man did and frowned at the mess. Baekhyun didn't notice, though and instead sat on the couch, feeling awkward at the situation.

"I'm not going to beat around the bush here," said Kyungsoo, crossing his arms as he glared down at Baekhyun from his standing position. "Did Chanyeol tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

Kyungsoo studied his features closely. "He's been offered the chance to go on an exchange program to Germany for his last year of college."

This was news to Baekhyun. He had no idea, though he wasn't surprised. After all, it had been a long time since he'd last spoken to him.

"And he's thinking about rejecting the offer."

This surprised Baekhyun even more. Why would he do that? He, of course, asked this aloud.

"Because of you."

That made Baekhyun's heart beat faster than ever, a feeling he couldn't recognize blooming for a moment, a nice, warm one, before it disappeared, replaced by uncertainty.

"W-why me?"

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. "Don't play dumb. You already know."

Baekhyun frowned at Kyungsoo’s words, unsure of what he meant. Kyungsoo stared at him and, gradually, his features softened. "You genuinely don't."

Baekhyun bit his bottom lip, his heart filling with anxiety as questions started to bloom in his mind.

"I shouldn't even be telling you this, but this is the only solution I can think of," said Kyungsoo apologetically before he sighed. "He's in love with you, Baekhyun."

This took Baekhyun completely off-guard and a turmoil of emotions exploded in his heart at this. From beautiful ones he'd never felt before for anyone to dark ones that consumed him like poison. He felt guilty over how much he'd probably hurt Chanyeol, while also feeling something inexplicable in his heart at the realization that his younger self would've had a chance.

"W-why are you telling me this?"

"So you can understand why he's still holding on to you even though it's futile," replied Kyungsoo. "The only way he'll let go, the only way he'll be able to finally live his life is if you let go first. The only way he'll leave is if he's no longer connected to you."

Kyungsoo’s words hurt. The thought of losing Chanyeol for good was so painful it left him breathless. Still, he knew he was right, and as such, he told himself he had to be selfless for once. He'd hurt his precious Chanyeollie enough. It was time for him to find his own way and seek his own happiness. No matter how much Baekhyun would've wanted to give him that and more, he couldn't. He was too broken for that.

Chanyeol deserved better.

Still, even after knowing this to be true, the thought hurt too much and he found himself drinking more recklessly than usual at a club one particular night. By the time the next morning came, he felt a horrible headache as he tried to remember what happened and how he'd gotten to the dirty motel room he was at.

He felt disgusting and pathetic, as worthless as his ex had claimed he was.

He allowed those feelings to flourish as he numbed himself down enough to do what he knew was necessary.

He'd been in a particularly risky state, his mind fogged by whatever substance Sehun and his friend had given him before they'd both gone down to business on his body, when the perfect time came.

Numb enough to be able to get through it without breaking down, but alert enough to  _ think _ about what he was about to do, Baekhyun faced Chanyeol's wrath. Yes, Baekhyun felt disgusting, the thought of the state he found Baekhyun in consuming him. Still, Baekhyun followed through, spitting venom through his lips while his heart withered with every word he uttered.

"Oh so the problem is the people I fuck? "Asked Baekhyun as he tried his best to keep a cold, closed off demeanor. "You're just jealous I never considered fucking  _ you _ ."

He noticed the shock in Chanyeol's eyes. The realization hadn't hit him just yet, which Baekhyun took advantage of it to give his final blow.

"You think I never noticed how you felt about me," he said as he managed to let a cold, cruel laugh escape his lips.

"Silly, Chanyeol, I've always known. I simply never... Cared."

And right in that moment, Baekhyun knew he'd succeeded. He noticed the pain in Chanyeol's eyes, the heartbreak, and while he felt horrible about it, he kept his stance, determined to do this, knowing it was for the best.

It didn't surprise him when Chanyeol left quietly, or the scolding he received from an upset Sehun.

"You could have been kinder to him," he hissed as he glared at Baekhyun.

"It was what had to be done," was all Baekhyun replied before he turned around and headed to his bedroom.

That night, he felt colder and lonelier than ever. Sure, he hadn't been speaking to Chanyeol in weeks, but still, the thought that he was still  _ there _ , that he hadn't left, had been reassuring enough.

It didn't surprise him when Chanyeol didn't return the following day, or the day after that. What did surprise him, though, was Sehun’s acceptance of Baekhyun’s request for him to leave.

Perhaps Sehun had given up on him too. And Baekhyun honestly didn't blame him.

After all, he'd given up on himself too.

It was around a week after the incident that he received a call from Kyungsoo telling him they were heading over to pick up Chanyeol's things.

As such, Baekhyun wanted to clean up a little, even if just to give Chanyeol the idea that he was making an effort, but there was no energy left in his body. All he managed to do was move to the couch and wait for him to arrive.

"Chanyeol, you came back," he said, feigning surprise since Kyungsoo asked him not to tell he'd called beforehand. 

Chanyeol nodded. "Yeah, I came back to pick up my stuff."

"You're moving out?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

Baekhyun saw Chanyeol head over to his bedroom with Jongin and Kyungsoo right behind. He felt hurt as he heard movement from the bedroom. He tried not to think about it, needing to keep his composure until they left. He'd promised himself he would give Chanyeol his happiness and as such, he wasn't allowed to give him any sort of hint of what was going on in his mind.

"You and Sehun will have to sort out if you want a new roommate or not," said Chanyeol once all of his things were out of the apartment. 

Baekhyun simply nodded, not even bothering to tell him Sehun left. It was irrelevant to him anyway. He shouldn't care about that.

"Goodbye Baekhyun."

And with that, after the door was closed, Chanyeol was out of his life for good.

This time around, the heartbreak was more insidious, taking over his numb heart slowly, like thin tendrils of pure, unadulterated pain that soon were squeezing without mercy. The sharpest pain he'd ever felt in his life attacked him and finally, after so long, he didn't feel numb or dead. No, this time around, he could tell he was very much alive...and  _ alone _ .

Sobs escaped his lips as the weight of the empty apartment fell on his shoulders.

When his ex left him, he'd felt broken, but back then, he hadn't known what being broken actually felt like. While he'd given himself completely away to his ex, while he'd lost Byun Baekhyun in the process of loving him, Chanyeol had always been  _ that _ person. Chanyeol was his safe place, his greatest love, perhaps not a romantic one, but the purest, most unconditional one he'd ever felt.

And through his selfishness and pain, he'd managed to lose him.

'I hope you find your happiness, Chanyeollie,' he thought as he curled into a ball on the cold floor of his apartment, feeling his soul chattering into microscopic pieces. 'I hope you can finally live life the way you deserve it.'

And just like that, Baekhyun let go of Chanyeol for good, breaking all ties with him for good this time.


	3. [Cycle 3- Reunion]

**23 years later**

Chanyeol stared outside the airplane window, his thirteen-year-old daughter sleeping soundly next to him with her head placed comfortably on his shoulder.

It had been a while since he last went to his country. Sure, he visited here and there with his ex-wife and two daughters through the years, but this time was different. This time, he was  _ moving _ back to his country.

In a way, he was excited. While Germany had become home to him, he can't deny that he missed his birth country sometimes along with his family.

It hadn't been in his plans to move back, but he can't deny he hadn't thought of the possibility  _ someday _ if the opportunity arose. After all, his entire life was made at Germany: he had a stable job, a wife and children and a dog too.

Even after the divorce, he didn't actively looked for options to move back. He was contented with what he had. When his company offered him a transfer, he weighed his options. After all, he had two daughters, though one was 18 already and well on her way to university.

After discussing it with his daughters and ex-wife -who supported him and encouraged him to take the chance- Chanyeol figured it was time. The preparations took months, as he wanted to have everything in order for when he arrived, and his sister kindly gave him a hand making the necessary arrangements.

Of course, it surprised him when his youngest, Emma, told him she wanted to go with him. She loved her mother, of course, but she always got along better with him. He discussed it with Giselle, his ex, who accepted it in good nature. Now that he was on the plane, though, wide awake despite the long trip that still awaited him, he allowed himself to reminisce on the past.

When he left his country the first time, he'd been heartbroken and he hadn't been very positive about his future. Life, though, showed him how wrong he was. Sure, at first it was tough. The language barrier, for example, was a huge problem in itself, and considering the fact that he knew  _ no one _ didn't help. With time and effort, though, he worked hard to learn and to socialize and every slowly, life got much better. In fact, by the time he finished the year, he wished to stay and did all the necessary procedures to be able to accomplish this.

It was then that he met his now ex-wife, who had shown him what a healthy love could be like. He couldn't help it when he fell for her deeply. Their life was simple and their love was sincere and pure. They had two beautiful children, Mia and Emma, and learned to grow further in their careers as well as in their lives.

Life was amazing for Chanyeol and his outlook in life became good, positive, just what he'd needed after the way he'd lived back in his home country.

The love, though, didn't last. It wasn't anyone's fault per se, it just simply...happened. It had run its course and it was hard to accept at first, especially after thirteen years of marriage. Still, going their own separate ways was for the best, for the sake of themselves and their children. The least they wanted was for their relationship to turn toxic and thus, hurt their daughters further in the long run.

At first, after the process was finalized, it was hard to adapt and sure, Chanyeol had been deeply heartbroken by this because Giselle had become his best friend, his confident, his partner in crime. It was for the best, though, and with great effort, he managed to move on for his sake and that of his family's.

He sighed as he played with his daughter's hair. While Mia looked more like her mother, Emma was the living image of Chanyeol, albeit in female version and with green eyes.

His daughters were his biggest blessing and he thanked every fate for granting him such a wonderful gift.

After everything that happened in his college days, his heart had been damaged almost beyond repair, and yes, Giselle helped him move on, but his daughters were the final push he needed to feel real happiness again.

At the thought, a wave of sadness filled him, though it wasn't an intense one. With time, he'd managed to move on from all that, though the memories still struck him from time to time.

He'd always loved Baekhyun and he always would, that was undeniable, but with time, the romantic connotation to it had faded. Sure, he'd always be his first love, perhaps the love of his life too, but Chanyeol wasn't in love with him anymore. He'd made sure he'd stopped feeling that way before he started a relationship with Giselle. After all, it wouldn't have been fair to her.

Still, the thought of his once best friend saddened him. Things hadn't ended well between them, and while he'd been close to hating him for a long time, he forgave everything eventually.

After he met Giselle, he'd wished he could move on from the constant pain in his heart. He wanted something with her, but it would be wrong of him to try anything with her when he still wasn't over someone else. 

He'd spoken about this with Kyungsoo in multiple occasions, and he'd repeated over and over again how the memory of Baekhyun’s hurtful words still haunted him. He hadn't expected Kyungsoo to confess what he'd done, to tell him of how, in his desperation for Chanyeol to leave that toxicity, he'd spoken to Baekhyun.

"I know it wasn't my place to do that. It was wrong of me to intervene like that, but it was the only solution I found."

Of course, Chanyeol had gotten upset, but at the same time, he understood. In a way, he was thankful too, though he worried for Baekhyun. He knew it wouldn't have been easy for him to be so cruel and for a long time, he'd kept Baekhyun in his mind. Even after he moved on and his romantic feelings were long gone, he continued to hope for the smaller's well-being.

On his first visit to his home country, around the time Mia was two years old, Chanyeol ran into Baekhyun's father. They spoke briefly and though Chanyeol didn't ask, the man sensed he wanted to. He smiled sadly at him and said "he's doing better now."

It was Baekhyun's mother who later told him that he'd been going to therapy diligently ever since Chanyeol left and that he'd slowly managed to lead a better life. That gave Chanyeol the peace of mind he needed to continue with his life. Through the years, he heard updates here and there, though they were more like reassurances that the smaller was well and stable.

'I hope you found what you were looking for,' he told himself as he stared out the window, closing his eyes to allow himself to rest. 'I hope you're truly happy now after so long.'

++++

Baekhyun walked down the busy streets of the city on a Friday afternoon, a specific destination in mind as he did so.

Most people would hated the crowded environment, and on most occasions he did too, but sometimes, when the demons in his mind started to attack him, he surround himself of people to remind himself that he wasn't alone, that he wasn't stuck in some sort of nightmare, and that whatever problem his mind wanted to attack him with was due to a chemical imbalance in his brain and that it  _ could _ be controlled and defeated. 

It was a strange coping mechanism, sure, but it was healthier than what he'd engaged in during his younger years. Besides, getting some fresh air -or as fresh as the air in a city could be- wouldn't do him any harm. It took him a while, but it was okay. He didn't have any plans that weekend either way, so he could take as long as he wanted on himself.

By the time he reached his destination, he felt more grounded and a small smile he'd lost during the week because of work was finally back.

He took a seat on the bench he occupied whenever he got a chance in that one park he used to visit frequently back in his high school days and sighed. He was tired from the hectic week he had at work, but finally, knowing he could rest, lifted a weight off his shoulders.

Every day he went to that park, he gave himself a reprieve to  _ think _ no matter how painful it could be. He saw it as another coping mechanism, and through the years, it had worked very well for him. It was always encouraging to remind himself of what he'd accomplished and it helped to remind him that, no matter what, he could always lift himself up once again.

Time had been kind to him, though it had taken a while before that happened. When Chanyeol left, he'd fallen further down his hole of misery. It was so bad he barely moved from his bed. The dark thoughts, the memories, the  _ guilt _ consumed him until not a single part of him was left untouched.

His parents were informed by Kyungsoo who, after Chanyeol left, kept an eye on him. He said that out of the love he had for Chanyeol, but Baekhyun knew better. The man felt guilty and he was worried his actions could have fatal consequences in Baekhyun.

Sure, they did, but Baekhyun always knew where he was coming from and, at one point, he even thanked him.

His parents, horrified for not having been aware -Baekhyun hid the entire situation very well- had immediately taken him home and had tried to help him. They took him to therapy and followed all the instructions the professional gave them. They were a great support system, but sadly, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Baekhyun had gotten to a point of his life where he  _ didn't _ want a way out. If anything, he wanted to rest. He despised himself too much and eventually, despite his family's efforts, he had his first attempt.

And he says first because there were two more.

After that, though, he decided that he didn't want to simply  _ exist _ anymore. He'd been dead inside for long enough, it was time to  _ live _ like he once did. It took a lot of time, effort, and multiple relapses before he could tell himself he was slightly okay. And that was okay.

The road to recovery had many bumps. It was exhausting most days and disencouraging sometimes, but the ending result was always gratifying. The best part? After a bad episode, you could always remind yourself that you  _ managed _ to pull yourself out of that and if another relapse came around, you could use that as motivation.

Baekhyun knew that he didn't have a cure and that the memories would remain with him until his last breath, but no matter what happened, he'd come far enough already to know that, indeed he was stronger than he gave himself credit for.

He smiled and closed his eyes.

Though he was doing better, the guilt over everything he did to Chanyeol still lingered. They never had closure and Baekhyun wished he could somehow apologize to him properly. Sadly, fate hadn't granted him that wish, though Baekhyun never lost hope. No matter how many years passed, he still dreamt of seeing his Chanyeollie one last time to apologize.

Perhaps... Someday, he told himself.

He stayed in the same spot for hours, thinking about the past years. He'd dated here and there, and thankfully, they were healthy relationships this time around. He'd learned to take care of himself, to speak up, and to be confident. He once despised himself, found himself unworthy, useless, ugly, and disgusting. It had taken time and he still had moments of low self-esteem, but at least they were more manageable than before.

His partners had been great, too, and he even thought he would marry one, Zhang Yixing, who he was with for five years.

In the end, though, life got in the way and they parted ways. It was okay, though. Their breakup was amicable and they spoke on the phone every now and then. Baekhyun was even in good terms with Yixing's wife, a lovely woman Baekhyun thought was perfect for his ex.

Yeah, life had gotten better for him and he hoped that it was the same for Chanyeol.

He lost track of time as his eyes remained stuck to the clear sky he loved so much. In the distance, soft hues of orange and pink could be seen, which meant that the sunset was soon approaching.

The ending of another cycle was coming.

He smiled, mesmerized by the sight as the colors became more intense, with soft tendrils of purple slipping through the orange and pink while the sun shone beautifully in a bright tone of orange. He was brought out of his reverie when he felt a presence next to him. Startled, he looked to the side and it took him a moment, but when he finally recognized the man next to him, his heartbeat sped up uncontrollably.

He'd always been beautiful, with an energy that shone so brightly that everything around was caught by it. It seemed like it hadn't changed and had only gotten enhanced by the pass of time. Still, despite his more matured look and the graying of his roots, he was still pretty much the same. 

Baekhyun felt his eyes fill with tears as he studied his features closely, the familiarity of his eyes and his cute ears warming up his heart. What mesmerized Baekhyun the most, though, was the beautiful smile on his lips. Baekhyun could tell it was sincere, genuine in the way it showed the affection Baekhyun wouldn't have expected to find still very much present directed at him.

Baekhyun opened his mouth, wanting to say something,  _ anything _ , but nothing came out. He was too overwhelmed for that.

"Baekhyun," said Chanyeol, his smile widening as his lips formed each letter of his name.

It was like Baekhyun was suddenly brought back to the present, time getting a meaning after so long. The warmth with which he said it, the way he caressed each vocal and each consonant with so much care, made the void in his heart disappear and be replaced by emotions he hadn't felt since before his first ex-boyfriend.

Baekhyun took several breaths, trying to compose himself. "Chanyeol," he managed to say breathlessly before he broke out into heavy sobs.

Immediately, Chanyeol took him in his arms and held him tight as Baekhyun spilled all the lingering feelings of guilt he'd felt for so long. It didn't matter how much time passed by as they remained in each other's arms, words of affection and of regret whispered as they both cherished the gift granted to them after twenty years of longing.

Finally, after so long, they were back home where they belonged.


	4. [Cycle 4- Happiness]

**2 years later**

Baekhyun felt a sudden stirring next to him that woke him up from his deep slumber. Slowly, he opened his eyes as he tried to make sense of his surroundings.

"Ch-Chanyeollie?" He asked, his voice thick as he started to raise his head.

"Hey love, sorry I woke you up," whispered Chanyeol as he leaned down and kissed Baekhyun's lips gently. "Go back to sleep. I'll prepare breakfast."

Baekhyun nodded and puckered his lips. Chanyeol chuckled and kissed him gently again.

Baekhyun closed his eyes as he heard Chanyeol leave, but he didn't go back to sleep. Instead, he sighed and smiled softly as he took Chanyeol's pillow and buried his face in it.

Life had a funny way of making things happen, something that Baekhyun had come to realize with time, especially ever since he met Chanyeol again.

When they met again, they hadn't been  _ in _ love with each other. Chanyeol had once been in love, sure, and maybe Baekhyun too, but time erased that slowly. The affection, though, and the sweet memories of their earlier days were still very much present. As such, they slowly started to rebuild their friendship, getting to know each other again because, after all, twenty three years is a very long time. Surprisingly, though, at their core, nothing had changed.

It wasn't hard to fall in love again. If anything, it was as easy as breathing. And sure, maybe previous feelings were involved, but they both knew it wasn't just that. If anything, the new changes in them, the maturity and growth they'd both gone through was irresistible.

Neither said anything, though, following the bad habit of doubting the other's feelings.

This time around, though, they got some help.

Emma had taken an instant liking to Baekhyun and had become very close to him. There was a knowing glint in her eyes whenever she looked at him that made him nervous. Baekhyun always ignored it, of course, but her actions told him she knew who he was to Chanyeol and obviously, she was the one to notice first when their feelings changed.

It didn't surprise him when Mia, Chanyeol's older daughter, visited and, just like her sister, she saw him like she knew something he didn't.

They joined forces with Baekhyun's nephew and pushed Chanyeol and Baekhyun to go out and to spend more and more time together. With this, the teasing comments started until the pair realized what was going on.

One day, during one of their setup "dates," they walked to the park they always frequented. It was late at night, but that didn't matter, not when they had each other's company.

They discussed their feelings, they were honest about them as they also spoke about the fear, the uncertainty, and the lingering guilt and pain from so long ago. They opened up like they should've many years before and when they were done, they decided to give each other a shot as partners this time.

And maybe they kissed for the first time too.

With that, they started to get to know each other again, but this time as lovers, and once again, they discovered they very much loved that aspect too.

Time passed and they fell even more in love each day and with that, they became more touchy until they found themselves making out in Baekhyun's apartment on week days before Chanyeol returned to his house, or getting each other off on the weekends when Emma stayed with her grandparents or at a friend's house.

Eventually, though, the need for  _ more  _ arose and the couple sat down once again to discuss the matter. They wanted to be completely sure the other was ready. And when it finally happened, it was beautiful.

Baekhyun sighed at the memory.

Chanyeol had been so sweet, so gentle with him. He'd prepared him thoroughly and he'd kissed every part of his body, had marked him and caressed him and when it was too much, he made them one and had Baekhyun screaming words of love and pleasure.

They spent even more time together after that, staying at each other's houses more and more frequently until Baekhyun went back to his apartment only to pick up clean clothes.

And the more time passed like this, the more Baekhyun knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

As such, he started to plan. He got the help from Emma, who in turn ended up telling her mother, who also helped him out. He then asked Kyungsoo, who was more than willing to intervene.

Baekhyun made sure it was perfect, taking Chanyeol out on a picnic at night where they spent their time looking at the stars and speaking about anything and everything under the night sky in each other's arms.

Baekhyun still remembered that moment perfectly, how they'd been sitting on the blanket Baekhyun took, with the smaller in between Chanyeol's legs, his head resting comfortably as he opened up one last time about his feelings, about his past. Yes, he'd been honest already, he'd told Chanyeol everything he needed to know, and while he was doing amazing, the darkness invaded his mind occasionally. Sometimes, it was necessary to speak these things out loud, even if you said it many times before because, with every time you did it, it was like you were taking away some of the power the darkness in your mind had over you.

He even cried and Chanyeol reassured him everything was okay, and reminded him how amazing and strong he was and... Honestly... Yes, he felt strong and capable of everything.

And it was after kissing Chanyeol softly on the lips that he pulled out the black velvet box he'd hidden in a pocket of his padded jacket and turned around.

Chanyeol's eyes had been wide like saucers, which Baekhyun found adorable. He'd kept going though, despite the nerves that had taken over him, and he recited the speech he'd prepared for Chanyeol. He declared his love and devotion, the emotions he'd harbored for him since they first met each other so long ago until that very moment. He poured his heart out, expressing every little thing he felt for Chanyeol through the years.

"And I've come to realize that, even after all this time and after everything that happened, all I want is to spend the rest of my life with you. So, Chanyeol, would you do me the honor of marrying me?"

Of course, the giant said yes.

They kissed after that and spent the night at Baekhyun's apartment making the sweetest love, marking each other and making a promise of loving each other properly from now on.

The wedding ceremony was magical. It was Chanyeol's second, but Baekhyun's first, and as such, Baekhyun was slightly more nervous. Still, Chanyeol reassured him throughout, looking so handsome with his white tux and his styled hair.

"I love you," would whisper Chanyeol constantly throughout the day, and Baekhyun would return the gesture, adding sweet kisses here and there to seal his words.

The memories warmed his heart as a sweet smile spread across his lips.

Six months had passed since they got married and not a day went by when Baekhyun had to remind himself that yes, this was his reality. After everything that happened, he got his happy ending.

Smiling at the thought, he left his bed, washed his face and teeth before going downstairs. Chanyeol was busy at the stove, cooking eggs as he shook his hips while dancing along to a song in his mind.

Feeling lucky to be greeted with such a scene like that for the rest of his life, Baekhyun stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Chanyeol's waist, burying his face on his back.

"Hey love, why are you up already?" Asked Chanyeol as he touched Baekhyun's arm briefly before continuing to cook.

"I missed you," he said.

He felt Chanyeol chuckle. "Baby, we spent the entire night together."

"So?" he whined.

Chanyeol continued to chuckle as he moved around - or tried, since Baekhyun stuck to his back like a leech- and served their food. When the table was ready -after a lot of struggling- Chanyeol finally turned around and returned Baekhyun's embrace.

"You're a big baby, you know that?"

Baekhyun pouted at that. " _ Your _ baby."

Chanyeol nodded and smiled widely. "Yes, my baby." He leaned down and stopped before their lips could touch. "And the love of my life."

Without saying another word, he kissed Baekhyun's lips. It was short, of course, since they had to eat, but once they were done, and taking full advantage of the fact that Emma was at a friend's, they cuddled in the couch all day, stealing kisses and giggles and words of love.

If Baekhyun were to go back in time and ask his old self if he thought he would reach this point in his life, he would say no, but now that he was living it, feeling loved and contented and  _ truly _ satisfied with the way life had turned for him, he would say that he's the luckiest man alive. Sure, he had a dark past, he made mistakes and he was hurt, but that didn't matter anymore. He'd learned his lessons, moved on, and found the destiny he was meant for from the start.

**The end**


	5. [Cycles]

So as many of you know, I'm mentally ill, and many of the experiences I write about, or at least the train of thought I make my characters have is very similar to mine.

I have OCD, if anyone is wondering, a very uncomprehended mental illness. 

So anyway, as I was saying, I portray my train of thought in my stories and I use them as a coping mechanism, too. It was like this that this story came to be.

I won't get into too much detail cuz I don't find it necessary, but the thing is that the day I wrote this a doctor said a couple of things to me (I was being scolded) that seriously triggered me. The thing is that, usually, when I'm said hurtful things, they don't hit me immediately. I usually just accept them and keep going like nothing happened until my mind finds the perfect moment to attack. It usually takes a couple of minutes and, because of the obsessive nature of my thought process, the thought doesn't leave my mind. It gets stuck, so to say, and while it gets stuck, it starts becoming bigger, adding bad details to it until my thoughts turn extremely dark and... We'll leave it there.

As a way to vent my frustrations, my anxiety, my anger and my pain, I decided I wanted to write something. I didn't have time to update one of my tweetfics, though, since that means opening Drive, starting to type and then editing it a little and then copying and pasting. That's why I started this, I wanted to write something faster that wasn't a hassle.

Anyway, it worked, I felt slightly better and ended up writing this... That turned out more angsty than I thought.

In the end, I decided to teach a couple of lessons and even use elements of what I'll be including in one particular story of mine (maybe someone who's reading it can guess which one) here, but a little less elaborate.

In this story I included many things, like toxic and abusive relationships, which I haven't experienced myself, but have seen people close to me go through to different extents. I also include mental illness, though i don't explicitly say it is that, and other things that I threw here and there.

As a person with mental illness myself, I explained a little about what my own journey with living with this conditions has been like to  _ me _ . You see, I believe life is full of cycles, some smaller, some bigger, but all cycles. Life is the bigger cycle and inside it, there are smaller cycles. Many interlap, many have smaller cycles insides, etc. Each day is a cycle, each week, each month, etc... and every cycle can end in a bad or a good note depending on how you see it.

For example, to me, high school was a cycle. I didn't end it on a bad note academically, though it could've been better in that aspect, but I didn't feel like it ended well either in other aspects. In contrast, the first quarter of last year ended in a good note. Life, the bigger cycle, starts when we're born (or even before, idk) and ends with death. To many, this is a sad ending, a tragedy, while to me it isn't, it's just the end of a cycle,  _ my cycle _ . There are exceptions, of course.

In this story, Chanyeol and Baekhyun go through many cycles in life, some more tragic than others. And this, to me, is how life goes. I've learned to tell myself that, even if a cycle ended badly, the next one doesn't have to be like that, or the one that follows.

It was the same for Baekhyun. His toxic relationship was a cycle, a horrible one with a sad ending, and the one that followed was sad too, and the one that followed, but eventually, those cycles started getting better, right? He fought to get better, he fought to  _ become _ better himself.

With this, what I want to say is that life is full of sad, happy and open endings, and you know what? That's okay. I, though, don't like to focus on the sad ones, or at least not on the sad ending of the cycle I'm writing about.

It goes without saying that, even with a happy ending, it doesn't mean that a future cycle won't have a sad one.

I considered not writing the epilogue (cycle 4) because, to me, Baekhyun and Chanyeol meeting again was the ending for a cycle, a cycle of more than 23 years, and it didn't end badly, it ended well, it ended with hope, and a new one started on that positive note.

In the end I caved because I love happy endings myself and figured it would be nice to show another cycle of their lives, a happy one.

I'm ranting a lot lol sorry.

I'll stop ranting already, but not without saying that, no matter what happens, you're strong enough, you're amazing, and you can do anything you put your mind to.


End file.
